I’m sad… and that’s okay.
A fair ‼️ WARNING ‼️ before reading: I’m not sure where this blog post is going to take me, but what I know is that it will be emotionally loaded. Proceed with caution, I guess??? 😌🫀
Last 2020, I told myself I’ll keep a daily journal. I’ve struggled a lot (and still am struggling) with being consistent in writing, to be honest. But whenever I write some things down, I feel lighter. So I guess it’s helping in some way… right??? 😅
I was scanning and reading through what I’ve written––there were lots of really funny bits like me having a dream about Namjoon wiring me money (HAHAHAHAHA). But I also found myself saying “I’m sad..” a lot… like A LOT of times.
Stuff like “This version of me is so strange, and sad, and so very different that I don’t recognize myself sometimes anymore…” or “I miss the old me…”
And then it hit me: maybe I really AM sad…
…and that’s completely okay.
An illustratrion from July 2022 which I initially wanted to caption “I feel like I’ve lost my shine…”
Quick story time (I swear, it’s related! 🙈):
While writing this blog post, I briefly stopped going through my journal to switch songs (currently on repeat is 28 by Agust D), and found myself writing about it too from my entry last 30 January 2021! 😭
Let me share what I’ve written about it:
“I’ve been playing a 28 by Agust D a lot lately too. And I just recently searched up the song’s translation and wow… just wow. Couldn’t agree more–it’s exactly how I’m feeling about life these days. Whatever happened to the once idealistic me. I feel as though I’m wasting my time… not achieving anything in my art career, being contented with the job I have. IRDK what’s next for me. It’s like all my dreams and aspirations disappeared into thin air… as well as my drive and motivation too. I feel stuck in this void of uncertainty, of being unsure what to do next.”
I can’t say I don’t feel that way completely anymore, maybe to some extent… but one of the many things the year prior taught me is to make space for healing. And so I did.
An illustration I made in July 2021—to remind to myself that small wins are still wins 🏆
Just when I thought I can leave the bad memories of 2020 behind, 2021 proved to be worse… hahahuhu (🥲🥲🥲).
At first I didn’t think of it as anything… just the constant “why am I tired all the time?!,” or “why can’t I make art?” Really… I dreaded Mondays and just stared at my iPad endlessly whenever I open Procreate.
Then one random day, while I was helping my sister out with a work project, I suddenly burst out crying and I remember telling her “pagod na ako…” (“I’m tired…”).
That’s when I knew, deep down, that I wasn’t just tired…
I was actually burned out.
And I hated the feeling.
I was really lucky to have found this book which tremendously helped me navigate what I was going through at that time.
Listing down my key takeaways, in case you need them too:
Always set boundaries and be firm about upholding them.
Your life should not revolve around your work.
Take time to process your stress and your feelings.
Practice self-compassion. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Rest is productive too.
Going back through my journal entries, I found little notes that felt reassuring, like this:
“…this journey isn’t linear. There are bumps (and there will be more, definitely), but the best way to get through is to just walk the path, no matter how scary it is.”
Somehow, I feel comforted knowing that Past Me trusts that Future Me will make it, that this too shall pass.
To be honest, I don’t know where I’m going with this blog post (HAHAHA, I’m sorry!). I was keen on sharing about my experience with burnout but it kinda went all over the place. But writing this feels freeing, like the feeling you get after confiding to a dear friend.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s gonna get better––it may not be today, or tomorrow, but it’s gonna get better.
Leaving you with this artwork I made very recently for World Mental Health Day 2022 🌷 and a song that helped me get through my bad days.
Remember that healing takes time and to just take it day by day. 🎐
*SENDING VIRTUAL HUUUUUUUUUGS* 🫂💗
‘Til the next!
♡ Marie ☺
